- November 11th, 2009
This past week has been rough... well I mean, my food intake increased somewhat (not really what I wanted). The hardest part about it was the guilt and feelings of failure that surrounded any consumption of food, especially if I ate food from my "bad" foods list.
But... As of yesterday, I am pretty motivated about getting back on track with my weigh-loss progress.
I had a therapy appointment yesterday. It was good, as always. But sometimes, my determination to lose weight increases during or after the therapy session, which is probably not what my therapist is going for as far as my treatment is concerned. I think it has something to do with my desire to proving myself as someone with an ED... I feel like I have to prove to others that I really have an ED, that I really do need therapy (though it is obvious to most people that I struggle with food issues). I also feel like I have to validate my issue for myself. Most of the time, I feel like my ED is not "bad" enough for treatment. Even when I was in an inpatient treatment center, I didn't think that I needed to be there. Especially since my weight had increased prior to being admitted. As bad or wrong as this sounds, I feel like the ultimate symbol for Ana is the need for a feeding tube. How awful is that? But it is how I feel and yes... right now that is my ultimate goal. In treatment, I did not need a tube to help with the re-feeding process since my roommate and family and the need for surgery helped me to gain weight. I figured I should try and gain weight for the surgery so that I would have an successful surgery and reduce my healing time. Ya know... help my body out a bit by providing what it needed to heal properly and quickly.
Now... food just gets in the way.
It's like having to go pee. It's annoying, especially when I am sitting in class, and I don't want to get up and go to the bathroom b/c the professor and,or the class might think that I am rude for "disturbing" the class. Plus, people stare at those who get up and leave the class. I don't want people to stare and me. Same with food. People judge you if you eat alone...or who you are eating with... they judge what you are eating... how much... how you look. If an overweight person is eating a salad... other people are more likely to look favorably on that person. However, if an overweight person were to eat a burger and fries, people are more likely to look negatively at them and their food choices. It is similar for people who are underweight. People might become jealous that the thin person "can eat whatever and still look like that," but if an underweight person is seen eating a salad... she is criticized for not eating enough or for worrying about her weight... told to eat some "real" food. It's a catch 22 situation. There is no pleasing other people, or the government when it comes to personal food choices.