Breath Deeply

Justify My Existence

Just Another Day
I'm tired. Still trying to recover from my All-Nighter Sunday night. I have managed to still squeeze in my workouts, which often take a back seat when I get too tired. Good news, I still weigh 98 lbs, and I actually think I appear thinner. The fact that I can tell is a good/bad thing. I know that my parents will comment about my weight at Thanksgiving and will therefore be watching me like a hawk. Goody!

My sister moves in next Tuesday. My therapist asked me if I was worried or anxious about her living with me. I think that having her live with me is no biggie. She accepts my lifestyle choice and understands my triggers and behaviors. But... if my mom decides she needs to live with me... hold crap. I would definitely not be ok with that!

Boo for all nighters. I always feel all nasty and bloated if I stay up all night. I have 2 papers, a group therapy project/presentation, a test over a book, and work today. Drank a 5 hr energy and worked more on my case study for my individual therapy class. About to take a Vyvnase and Acai/ Caffeine pill. Oh the joys of artificial energy. Food hasn't been that great. But... despite it all, I've lost weight. Hmm... wonder how much of its water weight? Well... I feel just as big. Gotta stay motivated. Its gonna start to get a little tricky with the parents and Thanksgiving. Oh how I love to be scrutinized about how much I weight. Dumb.

Gotta long day today... gonna work out in 2 hours (7:15a) and then work on somemore homework and get ready for a day from hell. At least it will be over after today and therapy is tomorrow. Gotta love a therapy session after a day like today. Peace out!

CW: 98.6

The ABC (Ana Boot Camp) Diet
The ABC Diet
DayAllowed CaloriesDaily Total
1500 or less 
2500 or less 

**Plus at least 1 hour of exercise per day with a 400-1000 calorie burn.

This past week has been rough... well I mean, my food intake increased somewhat (not really what I wanted). The hardest part about it was the guilt and feelings of failure that surrounded any consumption of food, especially if I ate food from my "bad" foods list.

But... As of yesterday, I am pretty motivated about getting back on track with my weigh-loss progress.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday. It was good, as always. But sometimes, my determination to lose weight increases during or after the therapy session, which is probably not what my therapist is going for as far as my treatment is concerned. I think it has something to do with my desire to proving myself as someone with an ED... I feel like I have to prove to others that I really have an ED, that I really do need therapy (though it  is obvious to most people that I struggle with food issues). I also feel like I have to validate my issue for myself. Most of the time, I feel like my ED is not "bad" enough for treatment. Even when I was in an inpatient treatment center, I didn't think that I needed to be there.  Especially since my weight had increased prior to being admitted.  As bad or wrong as this sounds, I feel like the ultimate symbol for Ana is the need for a feeding tube.  How awful is that? But it is how I feel and yes... right now that is my ultimate goal.  In treatment, I did not need a tube to help with the re-feeding process since my roommate and family and the need for surgery helped me to gain weight.  I figured I should try and gain weight for the surgery so that I would have an successful surgery and reduce my healing time.  Ya know... help my body out a bit by providing what it needed to heal properly and quickly.

Now... food just gets in the way.

It's like having to go pee.  It's annoying, especially when I am sitting in class, and I don't  want to get up and go to the bathroom b/c the professor and,or the class might think that I am rude for "disturbing" the class.  Plus, people stare at those who get up and leave the class. I don't want people to stare and me. Same with food. People judge you if you eat alone...or who you are eating with... they judge what you are eating... how much... how you look. If an overweight person is eating a salad... other people are more likely to look favorably on that person. However, if an overweight person were to eat a burger and fries, people are more likely to look negatively at them and their food choices.  It is similar for people who are underweight. People might become jealous that the thin person "can eat whatever and still look like that," but if an underweight person is seen eating a salad... she is criticized for not eating enough or for worrying about her weight... told to eat some "real" food. It's a catch 22  situation. There is no pleasing other people, or the government when it comes to personal food choices.

Back on Track
Halloween Happened. No little kids showed up trick-or-treating at my apt. So... I have been munching on snack size candy from my candy bowl.... which is soon to be donated to a local childrens foster care and residential center. Good thing someone can enjoy my candy!

I have been uber busy with work and papers and exams since last friday and thus have not eaten properly or had the time to complete my normal work outs. I feel like a blob. But I am still soo tired from pulling an all nighter monday night and will probably opt out of exercising until tomorrow afternoon. I hate when I get too tired or too busy to work out. I mean... school gets in the way of the life I want to be living. Good thing this is my last semester with a full class schedule. Next semester I will be working in my field placement, working, and attending a 4hr class once a week.  At least with field, I will feel like I am actually making a difference and doing something with my life.

So today, at least with food, I am working on getting back on track.

CW: 100.2
GW2: 96

Food Diary 10/29/09
B: Oatmeal: 130 cal
L: Diet Cherry Coke: 10 cal
D: Black Beans: 80 cal
     Trail Mix: 180 cal
     Yogurt: 100
     Ginger Snaps:100

CW: 102.6


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